Charlie Harvey

2. 9th August My Cabinet USPs

RE: Its me Gordon, remember?

Hi Gordon,

Its been ages, when are you going to get back to me?

Its almost as if you don't want me in your cabinet! Just to remind you of my unique selling points as the business community would have it.

  • I wash my feet in disinfectant all the time, honest, so there's no danger of me spreading foot and mouth.
  • I’m happy to find an ethical foreign policy consistent with bombing civilians. As long as they're foreign, erm, terrorists or whatever it is we're supposed to call them these days; with their spicy food and unhygienic habits. After all there's no population more democratic than a non-existent one!
  • Like you, I enjoy Fiscal Prudence. Its amazing what you can find in Soho, isn't it?
  • I have already applied for my ID card - I can't wait until all those ghastly riffraff that don't shop at Waitrose are booted out of the country. No amount of interference with my rights or pinko so-called evidence will convince me that the surveillance state is a bad idea.
  • I have a bronze lifesaving certificate - very useful given the recent funny weather.
  • I think that the interests of business are just too important to be subordinate to things like the continued existence of life on Earth. Richard Branson will probably put paid to all this Climate Change nonsense using only his charisma, quality beard grooming and the power of the Virgin brand.

So come on Gordon, how's about it? I think I’d cut a dashing figure in a grey suit!


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