Charlie Harvey

Bellamy Doesn’t Exist Claim Scientists

Scientists have today claimed that there is no conclusive evidence that David Bellamy, the controversial botanist and TV personality, exists or was caused by human activity.

Bellamy portrait
Man or myth?

Speaking from a windfarm in Northern Scotland a scientist from the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) said, "We’ve had our doubts for a while. There just isn’t the data to support the ’existence of Bellamy’ hypothesis. To put it bluntly, it’s poppycock." People who claim to have seen Bellamy in real life are dismissed as "probably political subversives or high on skunk and other mind altering drugs" by the Government’s Chief Scientific Adviser, Sir David King.

The scientists’ claims were swiftly rebutted by ExxonMobil’s Chief Executive, Rex Tillerson, who said, "That’s just crazy talk! I mean, how could we use him to justify our continuing extraction of dwindling fossil fuel reserves if he didn’t exist? Whilst David and our other minions make it look like there is doubt that global warming is happening, people and governments will feel powerless to take any effective action to stop it. We here at Exxon feel that David has played a key role in maintaining our profits... I mean global environmental destruction... I mean scientific freedom." Mr. Tillerson added, "Fly, flyyyy, my pretties! And fill the world with my beautiful evilll...", whilst releasing a pack of evil flying robot monkeys.

But the scientists are sticking to their guns. "We can’t just assume that, because there is lots of evidence that something exists, it probably does exist", said an IPCC spokesperson. Opinion was sharply divided on how, if not caused by human activity, Bellamy may have sprung into not-being. Some scientists suggest that there is good evidence that he grew from a giant stone egg on top of a magical mountain, like the eponymous hero of the 1980s TV show Monkey. But, there are also less well founded claims that he may be caused by variations in the Earth’s magnetic field, or spat out by a relentlessly growing glacier, or even formed entirely of water vapour.

Mr. Bellamy was unavailable for comment. Scientists reacted by saying, "A-ha! But then he would be, wouldn’t he?"


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