Now boffins have discovered that paedophiles can cause cancer as well as being, frankly, distasteful.

Docktawh Gillian Keith, speaking from her underground nutrition dome said, "Ever since An unnamed source told me about it, I have been trying to cure ripping off hard working families with a powerful mix of micronutrients, goji berries and spirulina."

She added "As it turns out ripping off hard working families is almost completely identical to cancer, in how it affects the balance of our chakras. And everybody knows that ripping off hard working families is mostly caused by paedophiles, who are known to promote a negative orgone balance in the red layer of the energy rainbow."

Of course liberal-minded multiculturalists will no doubt assume that comparing paedophiles to carcinogens is "racist", but they can’t deny the simple facts of the case. And the Mail is happy to back Gillian’s words; she gave us a fresh insight into Broken Britain by saying, "Things got out of hand and we’d had a few drinks. We smashed the place up and Boris set fire to the toilets.".