The Daily Mail has learned, by imagining them, of literally BILLIONS of incidents of pleasuring themselves on the alters of our great cathedrals, all of them involving louts.

In the glorious days of Winston Churchill, speaking through a medium, no hardworking family of Britain would expect to experience pleasuring themselves on the alters of our great cathedrals, but nowadays thanks to louts pleasuring themselves on the alters of our great cathedrals is an everyday occurence.

Frankly, the only thing that any sane person can say is We are coming slowly, painfully to an autumn of understanding, I hope it will be followed by a winter of common sense..