Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of getting away with arson has been perpetrated by thugs.

The Mail can reveal that thugs are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Vince Cable said of the thugs, "society needs to condemn a little more and understand a little less.".