Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of using skateboards and yobbish language to molest journalists has been perpetrated by the poor.

The Mail can reveal that the poor are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Nick Clegg said of the the poor, "the day of the yob is upon us".