Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of listening to loud music has been perpetrated by paedophiles.

The Mail can reveal that paedophiles are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

A hardworking family said of the paedophiles, "I have always said if you want a speech, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.".