Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of assisting asylum seekers has been perpetrated by hoodies.

The Mail can reveal that hoodies are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Bernard Jenkin said of the hoodies, "a glorious thousand-year reich seems like the only practical choice to stem the tide of economic migrants".