Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of causing cancer has been perpetrated by paedophiles.

The Mail can reveal that paedophiles are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Paul Dacre said of the paedophiles, "we are coming slowly, painfully to an autumn of understanding, I hope it will be followed by a winter of common sense.".