Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of pleasuring themselves on the alters of our great cathedrals has been perpetrated by anarchists calling themselves the Wombles.

The Mail can reveal that anarchists calling themselves the Wombles are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Margaret Thatcher said of the anarchists calling themselves the Wombles, "yet again these oafs have destroyed my evening.".