Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of getting away with arson has been perpetrated by women.

The Mail can reveal that women are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Theresa May said of the women, "If only we had a privitised National Identity scheme this would never have happened".