Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of squatting houses left empty by families on holiday has been perpetrated by louts.

The Mail can reveal that louts are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Amanda Platell said of the louts, "kill the commie swine".