Now boffins have discovered that unemployed layabouts demanding benefits with menace can cause cancer as well as being, frankly, distasteful.

Docktawh Gillian Keith, speaking from her underground nutrition dome said, "Ever since Anne Widdecombe told me about it, I have been trying to cure plotting to kidnap a senior royal with a powerful mix of micronutrients, goji berries and spirulina."

She added "As it turns out plotting to kidnap a senior royal is almost completely identical to cancer, in how it affects the balance of our chakras. And everybody knows that plotting to kidnap a senior royal is mostly caused by unemployed layabouts demanding benefits with menace, who are known to promote a negative orgone balance in the red layer of the energy rainbow."

Of course liberal-minded multiculturalists will no doubt assume that comparing unemployed layabouts demanding benefits with menace to carcinogens is "racist", but they can’t deny the simple facts of the case. And the Mail is happy to back Gillian’s words; she gave us a fresh insight into Broken Britain by saying, "New Age travellers? Not in this age. Not in any age. Let others speak for these New Age travellers. We will speak for their victims.".