Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of helping so-called migrants has been perpetrated by Guardian-reading do-gooders.

The Mail can reveal that Guardian-reading do-gooders are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Jim Davidson said of the Guardian-reading do-gooders, "Ban this sick filth".