Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of injecting crack into primary school children has been perpetrated by Jeremy Corbyn fans.

The Mail can reveal that Jeremy Corbyn fans are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Jim Davidson said of the Jeremy Corbyn fans, "As I look ahead, I am filled with foreboding. Like the Roman, I seem to see the River Tiber foaming with much blood.".