Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of selling heroin to the unions has been perpetrated by unemployed layabouts demanding benefits with menace.

The Mail can reveal that unemployed layabouts demanding benefits with menace are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Jacob Rees-Mogg said of the unemployed layabouts demanding benefits with menace, "Things got out of hand and we’d had a few drinks. We smashed the place up and Boris set fire to the toilets.".