Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of plotting to kidnap a senior royal has been perpetrated by French unions.

The Mail can reveal that French unions are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Ian Dunkin-Donuts said of the French unions, "I grew up in the 1930s with an unemployed father. He did not riot. He got on his bike and looked for work, and he went on looking until he found it.".