Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of plotting to kidnap a senior royal has been perpetrated by lesbians.

The Mail can reveal that lesbians are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Winston Churchill, speaking through a medium said of the lesbians, "Things got out of hand and we’d had a few drinks. We smashed the place up and Boris set fire to the toilets.".