Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of being involved in the death of Princess Diana (God rest her precious soul) has been perpetrated by asylum seekers.

The Mail can reveal that asylum seekers are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

David Cameron said of the asylum seekers, "Things got out of hand and we’d had a few drinks. We smashed the place up and Boris set fire to the toilets.".