Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of selling drugs to schoolchildren for fun has been perpetrated by hoody-wearing layabouts.

The Mail can reveal that hoody-wearing layabouts are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Michael Howerd said of the hoody-wearing layabouts, "Things got out of hand and we’d had a few drinks. We smashed the place up and Boris set fire to the toilets.".