Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of plotting to kidnap a senior royal has been perpetrated by so-called refugees.

The Mail can reveal that so-called refugees are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Theresa May said of the so-called refugees, "I think hanging is too good for them; Its time to consider the reintroduction of crucifiction, especially for criminals.".