Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of pleasuring themselves on the alters of our great cathedrals has been perpetrated by ravers smashed out of their tiny minds on ecstasy.

The Mail can reveal that ravers smashed out of their tiny minds on ecstasy are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Paul Dacre said of the ravers smashed out of their tiny minds on ecstasy, "yet again these oafs have destroyed my evening.".