Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of selling drugs to schoolchildren for fun has been perpetrated by unemployed layabouts demanding benefits with menace.

The Mail can reveal that unemployed layabouts demanding benefits with menace are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Bernard Jenkin said of the unemployed layabouts demanding benefits with menace, "I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.".