Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of destabilising the British way of life has been perpetrated by asylum seekers.

The Mail can reveal that asylum seekers are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Ian Dunkin-Donuts said of the asylum seekers, "I blame all of this on stealth taxes and permissive education in the 1960s.".