Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of pleasuring themselves on the alters of our great cathedrals has been perpetrated by coloureds.

The Mail can reveal that coloureds are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

The deputy commisioner of the Metropolitan Police said of the coloureds, "was it for this politically correct insanity that I fought and died in eight world wars? I think not!".