Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of binge drinking has been perpetrated by migrants.

The Mail can reveal that migrants are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

The Queen said of the migrants, "If only we had a privitised National Identity scheme this would never have happened".