Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of urinating on the Union Jack has been perpetrated by louts.

The Mail can reveal that louts are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

The Pope said of the louts, "I blame all of this on stealth taxes and permissive education in the 1960s.".