Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of urinating on the Union Jack has been perpetrated by homosexuals.

The Mail can reveal that homosexuals are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Beyonce said of the homosexuals, "a glorious thousand-year reich seems like the only practical choice to stem the tide of economic migrants".