Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of urinating on the Union Jack has been perpetrated by Noam Chomsky devotees.

The Mail can reveal that Noam Chomsky devotees are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Boris Johnson said of the Noam Chomsky devotees, "I have always said if you want a speech, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.".