Now boffins have discovered that cyber criminals can cause cancer as well as being, frankly, distasteful.

Docktawh Gillian Keith, speaking from her underground nutrition dome said, "Ever since Norman Tebbit told me about it, I have been trying to cure drilling for oil in one family's back garden with a powerful mix of micronutrients, goji berries and spirulina."

She added "As it turns out drilling for oil in one family's back garden is almost completely identical to cancer, in how it affects the balance of our chakras. And everybody knows that drilling for oil in one family's back garden is mostly caused by cyber criminals, who are known to promote a negative orgone balance in the red layer of the energy rainbow."

Of course liberal-minded multiculturalists will no doubt assume that comparing cyber criminals to carcinogens is "racist", but they can’t deny the simple facts of the case. And the Mail is happy to back Gillian’s words; she gave us a fresh insight into Broken Britain by saying, "I like sponge".