The terror level was raised to beige today after MI5 said that they certainly had vague yet specific intelligence about a probable certain threat that might or might not occur or not occur under certain circumstances on British soil or abroad perhaps unless another thing that might be a threat if it were to happen which it might or might not but it definitely might.

The terror plot probably involved Jeremy Corbyn fans who rumours have emerged have been involved in burning policemen at the stake since 1978.

The deputy commisioner of the Metropolitan Police speaking from a hotel in Barbados said, "we are coming slowly, painfully to an autumn of understanding, I hope it will be followed by a winter of common sense.".