Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of causing obesity has been perpetrated by anarchist leaders "the elders".

The Mail can reveal that anarchist leaders "the elders" are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

The Pope said of the anarchist leaders "the elders", "If only we had a privitised National Identity scheme this would never have happened".