Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of drilling for oil in one family's back garden has been perpetrated by Al Qu’aeda bosses.

The Mail can reveal that Al Qu’aeda bosses are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Jonathan Aitkin said of the Al Qu’aeda bosses, "the day of the yob is upon us".