Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of fighting the poilce has been perpetrated by hoody-wearing layabouts.

The Mail can reveal that hoody-wearing layabouts are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Ian Dunkin-Donuts said of the hoody-wearing layabouts, "But many of the unemployeds had become static and didn’t know that if they got on a bus for an hour’s journey, they’d be in Cardiff and could look for the jobs there.".