Now boffins have discovered that criminal gangs from Eastern Europe can cause cancer as well as being, frankly, distasteful.

Docktawh Gillian Keith, speaking from her underground nutrition dome said, "Ever since Bernard Jenkin told me about it, I have been trying to cure binge drinking with a powerful mix of micronutrients, goji berries and spirulina."

She added "As it turns out binge drinking is almost completely identical to cancer, in how it affects the balance of our chakras. And everybody knows that binge drinking is mostly caused by criminal gangs from Eastern Europe, who are known to promote a negative orgone balance in the red layer of the energy rainbow."

Of course liberal-minded multiculturalists will no doubt assume that comparing criminal gangs from Eastern Europe to carcinogens is "racist", but they can’t deny the simple facts of the case. And the Mail is happy to back Gillian’s words; she gave us a fresh insight into Broken Britain by saying, "We need a lot less of the passive tolerance of recent years and much more active, muscular liberalism. Especially for the blacks.".