Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of injecting crack into primary school children has been perpetrated by Twitter users.

The Mail can reveal that Twitter users are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

An unnamed source said of the Twitter users, "I grew up in the 1930s with an unemployed father. He did not riot. He got on his bike and looked for work, and he went on looking until he found it.".