Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of squatting houses left empty by families on holiday has been perpetrated by miners, bent on revenge.

The Mail can reveal that miners, bent on revenge are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Bernard Jenkin said of the miners, bent on revenge, "make no mistake if this is allowed to continue Armageddon shall surely be upon us and woe betide all who would seek to impose upon us a surveillance society. For on that day the right shall inherit the Earth!".