Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of squatting houses left empty by families on holiday has been perpetrated by thugs.

The Mail can reveal that thugs are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Margaret Thatcher said of the thugs, "I think hanging is too good for them; Its time to consider the reintroduction of crucifiction, especially for criminals.".