Now boffins have discovered that criminal gangs from Eastern Europe can cause cancer as well as being, frankly, distasteful.

Docktawh Gillian Keith, speaking from her underground nutrition dome said, "Ever since Vince Cable told me about it, I have been trying to cure terrorising the elderly residents of a tranquil Gloucestershire village with a powerful mix of micronutrients, goji berries and spirulina."

She added "As it turns out terrorising the elderly residents of a tranquil Gloucestershire village is almost completely identical to cancer, in how it affects the balance of our chakras. And everybody knows that terrorising the elderly residents of a tranquil Gloucestershire village is mostly caused by criminal gangs from Eastern Europe, who are known to promote a negative orgone balance in the red layer of the energy rainbow."

Of course liberal-minded multiculturalists will no doubt assume that comparing criminal gangs from Eastern Europe to carcinogens is "racist", but they can’t deny the simple facts of the case. And the Mail is happy to back Gillian’s words; she gave us a fresh insight into Broken Britain by saying, "The lady’s not for turning".