Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of setting fire to pensioners whilst high on skunk and crack has been perpetrated by criminal gangs from Eastern Europe.

The Mail can reveal that criminal gangs from Eastern Europe are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Nicolas Sarkozy said of the criminal gangs from Eastern Europe, "a glorious thousand-year reich seems like the only practical choice to stem the tide of economic migrants".