Now boffins have discovered that hooligans can cause cancer as well as being, frankly, distasteful.

Docktawh Gillian Keith, speaking from her underground nutrition dome said, "Ever since David Cameron told me about it, I have been trying to cure pleasuring themselves on the alters of our great cathedrals with a powerful mix of micronutrients, goji berries and spirulina."

She added "As it turns out pleasuring themselves on the alters of our great cathedrals is almost completely identical to cancer, in how it affects the balance of our chakras. And everybody knows that pleasuring themselves on the alters of our great cathedrals is mostly caused by hooligans, who are known to promote a negative orgone balance in the red layer of the energy rainbow."

Of course liberal-minded multiculturalists will no doubt assume that comparing hooligans to carcinogens is "racist", but they can’t deny the simple facts of the case. And the Mail is happy to back Gillian’s words; she gave us a fresh insight into Broken Britain by saying, "We are a grandmother".