With schools turning out a generation of illiterate hoodlums, crime threatening our every movement and a Government that treats criminals with kid gloves rather than forcibly immasculating them, is it any wonder that, once more Guardian-reading do-gooders have been plotting to kidnap a senior royal?

What is needed is some very serious discipline. We can beat sense into Guardian-reading do-gooders - all it takes is a little British spunk, some backbone and a big stick.

Instead sickos, perverts and communists are allowed to crawl the streets with impunity. Plotting to kidnap a senior royal must no longer be tolerated, especially when perpetrated by Guardian-reading do-gooders.

Speaking exclusively to the Mail about Guardian-reading do-gooders, An unnamed source said "Things got out of hand and we’d had a few drinks. We smashed the place up and Boris set fire to the toilets.".