Now boffins have discovered that Eastern European terror gangs can cause cancer as well as being, frankly, distasteful.

Docktawh Gillian Keith, speaking from her underground nutrition dome said, "Ever since Norris McWhirter, speaking posthumously told me about it, I have been trying to cure burning policemen at the stake with a powerful mix of micronutrients, goji berries and spirulina."

She added "As it turns out burning policemen at the stake is almost completely identical to cancer, in how it affects the balance of our chakras. And everybody knows that burning policemen at the stake is mostly caused by Eastern European terror gangs, who are known to promote a negative orgone balance in the red layer of the energy rainbow."

Of course liberal-minded multiculturalists will no doubt assume that comparing Eastern European terror gangs to carcinogens is "racist", but they can’t deny the simple facts of the case. And the Mail is happy to back Gillian’s words; she gave us a fresh insight into Broken Britain by saying, "Yet again these oafs have destroyed my evening.".