Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of threatening to smash up branches of McDonalds and Starbucks has been perpetrated by anarchists.

The Mail can reveal that anarchists are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Boris Johnson said of the anarchists, "I think hanging is too good for them; Its time to consider the reintroduction of crucifiction, especially for criminals.".