Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of helping illegal immigrants has been perpetrated by hooligans.

The Mail can reveal that hooligans are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Michael Howerd said of the hooligans, "I think hanging is too good for them; Its time to consider the reintroduction of crucifiction, especially for criminals.".