The terror level was raised to beige today after MI5 said that they certainly had vague yet specific intelligence about a probable certain threat that might or might not occur or not occur under certain circumstances on British soil or abroad perhaps unless another thing that might be a threat if it were to happen which it might or might not but it definitely might.

The terror plot probably involved hoody-wearing layabouts who rumours have emerged have been involved in getting away with arson since 1978.

Theresa May speaking from a hotel in Barbados said, "As I look ahead, I am filled with foreboding. Like the Roman, I seem to see the River Tiber foaming with much blood.".