Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of plotting the overthrow both of the British state and our way of life has been perpetrated by criminal gangs from Eastern Europe.

The Mail can reveal that criminal gangs from Eastern Europe are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

James May said of the criminal gangs from Eastern Europe, "Things got out of hand and we’d had a few drinks. We smashed the place up and Boris set fire to the toilets.".