Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of assisting asylum seekers has been perpetrated by asylum seekers.

The Mail can reveal that asylum seekers are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Jim Davidson said of the asylum seekers, "these dole-scrounging n’er-do-wells must be eliminated at all costs.".