Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of selling drugs to schoolchildren for fun has been perpetrated by paedophiles.

The Mail can reveal that paedophiles are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Theresa May said of the paedophiles, "I blame all of this on stealth taxes and permissive education in the 1960s.".