Now boffins have discovered that hoody-wearing layabouts can cause cancer as well as being, frankly, distasteful.

Docktawh Gillian Keith, speaking from her underground nutrition dome said, "Ever since The English People told me about it, I have been trying to cure drilling for oil in one family's back garden with a powerful mix of micronutrients, goji berries and spirulina."

She added "As it turns out drilling for oil in one family's back garden is almost completely identical to cancer, in how it affects the balance of our chakras. And everybody knows that drilling for oil in one family's back garden is mostly caused by hoody-wearing layabouts, who are known to promote a negative orgone balance in the red layer of the energy rainbow."

Of course liberal-minded multiculturalists will no doubt assume that comparing hoody-wearing layabouts to carcinogens is "racist", but they can’t deny the simple facts of the case. And the Mail is happy to back Gillian’s words; she gave us a fresh insight into Broken Britain by saying, "Make no mistake if this is allowed to continue Armageddon shall surely be upon us and woe betide all who would seek to impose upon us a surveillance society. For on that day the right shall inherit the Earth!".